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Bert Heerink: Better yet
22/12/09 || Lord K Philipson
Everyone who loves the band Vandenberg, raise your hand. No one? I’m not surprised. This is obviously the solo project of former Vandenberg singer Bert Heerink. That’s what the information sheet says that came with the album. Lemme put it like this; if the fact that this cunt is the former vocalist of Vandenberg is your strongest selling point – expect to ship exactly 4 copies of this release. One to each member of the band.
If you have a knack for weak sauce AOR/melodic rock with all the fucken clichés known to man included – look no further. Bert Heerink is your go-to guy. Throw in a few bucks and I’m sure he’ll give you a handjob while you’re at it. Using a penis-joke in this review would actually be completely out of place. It wouldn’t work coz this whole recording reeks of man-ass, sweat, mustaches and shiny fucken cocks. And that is not meant in a funny way at all.
Yep, this shit is that gay.
Just by checking out the titles of the songs you know you will hear every standard phrase ever written when it comes to being heartbroken and whatthefucknot. The cheese is literally pouring out of poor Bert’s fucken mouth when cock is not blocking his yapper.
And this fucken idiot is not even a good vocalist, still he gets to release an album. It’s in times like these I support the death of the record industry. I was actually thinking about giving this recording a score of 1 but came to my senses and remembered there are bands like Xasthur and Ocular Faith out there deserving that score exclusively (actually, they deserve a 0 but we don’t have that here at GD, simply becoz the plastic the CD is wrapped in is at least worth a 1… then again – maybe not when I think about it), and trust me – I much rather listen to fucken Bert Heerink than that absolute vomit thrown onto a CD. That doesn’t mean I will ever listen to this fucken crap ever again though. Just watch the video to his “hit single” entitled “Panic attack” and you’ll know why I have come to this decision.
Last off, and I have said this a few million times; we are Global
Domination, we deal in metal. Mostly the brutal kind of it. The only
reason we review this kind of shit is becoz it’s sent to us from some
stupid fucken record company not knowing better, and we are cool as shit
to write about it out of respect to said company. Hopefully other
record labels reading this will understand that maybe, just maybe GD is NOT THE CORRECT OUTLET FOR YOUR MUTHAFUCKEN ROCK SHIT?!
Just check out the fucken guy to the right… He looks dead and still he’s not wearing corpsepaint. If he at least had that he would have fit into these pages like fat on the late Chris Farley.
Sort of.
- Information
- Released: 2009
- Label: AOR Heaven
- Website: Bert Heerink MySpace
- Band
- Bert Heerink: vocals
- Michael Voss: guitars
- Roland Bergmann: bass
- Ez Kramer: drums
- Tracklist
- 01. Panic attack
- 02. April
- 03. Whose side are you on
- 04. Falling down
- 05. Love is like heaven
- 06. All fired up
- 07. Can’t make me
- 08. Restless heart
- 09. Precious
- 10. Significance
- 11. Ain’t no pleasing you (bonus track)
